So Totally Patrick

Episode 4: Hunka Hunka Burnin' Love

As the nachos melt let’s reflect upon the lyrics of ‘Hey Leonardo’ by Blessid Union of Souls and just bask in the ’90s-ness:

Not because I look like Tyson Beckford
With the charm of Robert Redford …

She don’t care about my big screen
Or my collection of DVD’s …

Not because I hang with Leonardo
Or that guy who played in “Fargo”
I think his name is Steve …

Not because I sing like Pavarotti
Or because I am such a hottie …

Not because she’s phat like Cindy Crawford …

Make her laugh just like Jim Carrey
Unlike the Cable Guy …

Drink #5: Tecate Micheladas

Lunch: Paul Smith Nachos

Also, Lunch? It’s 4:30.

Peter Burns’ messages. Spiked on red, yellow, and blue pencils.

This whole time we’ve known each other, I never knew you were such a slut!

Liss Rinna looks like a cartoon canarakeet.

I’m going to drop you like a hot potato.

Is it coke?

IS IT COKE?

No. It’s a red pill.

Adderol? Ridelin? ECSTASY!?

What? That you’re doing Alison?

Nice chunk heels, Kimberley.

Peter hired Kimberley at the Private Practice.

Oh honey, cut the drama.

Does anyone know where I can get some PCP?

Chardonnay.

Billy takes Sam on a date. She’s so the new old Alison. Like all lame and shit and before she had so get married to Billy’s wife’s father and was a major alcoholic twice.

There’s that shoe again!

Bonding in a big way.

Amanda with her hair back, full fringe since she’s 70.

McBride Fuckface got shut down after bringing a cake to Amanda!

Matt’s new BF’s vest is williamsburg, 2007/8.

Are you a hustler? No? What the hell. There’s a first time for everything.

Pause.

I’ll get you a beer of wine.

A can of beer?

Oh my god, I’m losing it.

I got two. There are four beer of wine cans.

I was raped, damnit.

Jane just accidentally set some cans of oil on fire with Alison’s new optimum triple play. She gets to her whip and looks up and sees that Alison’s apartment is on fire.

Episode 3: Moving Violations

Cocktail #3: Done.

The Faster You Dig, The Faster You Die.

I’ll just leave LA and reinvent myself somewhere else.

Muldoon just got shoveled in the crotch.

Episode 3 and we’re already recycling stock footage of sexy LA singles flirting down the sunset strip.

Heather locklear is rocking 1st season of the O.C. Mischa Barton bangs.

Cameo! Robert Gant, who played Principal Krups on the second season of Popular and one of the fags on Queer as Folk.

Officer Handsome just shot Muldoon! Is he dead? He has no pulse, but he didn’t when Jane and Sydney buried him alive.

I’ve never seen a dead body before.

You get used to it.

Billy you don’t need to help me. Jake and Matt are helping already. Matt is on speed, so we’ll be done really fast.

Sneaking around is still kinda fun.

Obligatory Conjugal Visits.

Short-alls.

No offense Jane, but your lifestyle is a little too alternative for me.

Jane in a chambray men’s pajama shirt > romper/jumper debate > patrick has a silken onesie > he tries it on, i try it on > he tries it again >  cocktail 4

I prefer the term boiler suit or jumpsuit to onesie. Yuck.

Kimberley remembers everything. A few loose ends to tie up still, but basically now Amanda, Peter, Kimberley and Michael are free to terrorize somebody else. Plus we get to find out Peter’s mysterious connection to lip-liner fiend Taylor McBride.

I don’t know what else to do.

The slow-mo black & white recap was a neopolitan ice cream of Alison, Jake and Billy.

I just love money. So sez Sydney while she stuffs her Kate Spade, every resort collection woven raffia tote bag. So sez mayibefrank, “The size of an african violet flower pot.”

All-white canvas mary jane doc martens. With plastic trim.

Yet another Isaac Mizrahi for Sydney.

Who cares, as long as the drinks are free.

Hi Billy, this is Jane’s roommate. She thinks you’re cute.

Chardonnay: The official beverage of Melrose Place. And California. And the ’90s.

I decided. I needed. A Shower. Too.

Billy should know better than to fight Jake. Have you seen Jake with his shirt off? No.

You’re My Friends. Go To Hell.

Episode 2: Over Dick's Dead Body

Help me die, Peter.

Sydney looks great.

as does Jake’s shirt situation.

But his big white Seinfeld sneakers are bad.

Fragile my butt. Get up you crazy bitch! What do you mean you don’t remember. I risked my life saving you. I’LL MAKE YOU REMEMBER!

Matt is now a speed freak/non-functioning drug addict.

$50,000 for ransom? That’s like 2 suits and a haircut.

Melrose Place Blackmail Case #30492023901.

Sydney is dummying up $50,000 in the copy room while Matt steals prescription pads from Michael.

“That’s a new hobby of mine, inventing games.”  — Sydney

Drink 2. Down.

Sototallypatrick: Did you tell all of our fans that we finished drink 2? Well, your fans? I’m going to get so much exposure. Because of you,”

Sneaking around IS kinda fun! Alison & Jake are fucking in a hotel!

That bed spread is from M.I.A.’s K-Mart Home Line, “NOT MADE IN SRI LANKA.”

Another Mizrahi frock for Sydney. Nice Barrette!

Mussolini. Hitler. Amanda.

Oh I have to fast-backward it. A dummy just fell out of a crate wearing Richard’s death clothes. (Or maybe it’s just Martin Margiela’s wine-stain button-down F/W ‘09?)

On sototallypatrick’s DVD remote there’s no ‘rewind,’ it’s ‘fast backward.’

The actor that played Lisa Bonet’s marine husband on the cosby show has a book called “He talk like a white boy”

Sydney has $20,000 because of her investments in the Burns & Mancini private practice, and the Porn company she invested in during season 4.

Jake’s muscles are POPPING!

Terrycloth Hoodie and Scrunchie!

Better start digging girls. You’re going to need room for the both of you.

Episode 1: Living With Disaster

Peter is fake!

Muldoon (Richard Hart) crawled out of the dirt!

3 new actors in the opening credits!

Alison slept with JAKE!

Amanda doesn’t need anybody’s help. Especially a man. A black man. A black man cop.

Nice mole, Alison. Where did that come from?

Marrying someone else isn’t losing faith!?

If Billy & Alison get married, it will be both Alison and Billy’s 3rd wedding. (Billy & Alison - aborted because her dad abused her, Billy & Brooke, and Alison & Brook’s Father.)

Amanda got a blow out the moment she landed in Kansas City.

Ooh, Boston!

Hello Rob Estes & Lisa Rinna! (When she still looked like a human.)

Peter euthanized his first wife!

Breakfast: Murray’s Bagels (Salt w/ Veggie C.C. and Whole Wheat Everything w/ Olive C.C.)

Cocktails: Ruby Red Greyhounds

Drink #1 Finished

Sorry, I can’t date you. There’s a problem. Billy asked me to marry him last night.

Jane’s new boutique is called Jane’s.

Kimberley & Michael Black & White Make Out Montage!

Do we have a number where we can reach you, Taylor McBride? No, you DON’T.

Amanda Wannabe Suits!

2 Cuba Libres and a Chardonnay.

Jo moved to Bosnia with Dr. Dominic O’Malley. She’s not getting her deposit back.

Is this a singles place?

The lightning!

Kimberley escaped!

Richard piled a bunch of dirt and a cross made out of rulers on Jane’s bed and basked in the rain.

Marni - Fall 2009

Marni has never really interested me before, but I love this collection. It’s almost like Marc Jacobs “Grunge” collection for Perry Ellis never happened!

Horizontal stripe lawn shirt? Cashmere long johns? SAY YES!

This aint your grandma’s Kurt Cobain’s mohair sweater.

I was really hoping this was a union suit. The collection is small, and very simple. A lot of these looks can be recreated by popping into your local Army & Navy for the long johns, although i’m not convinced that the long johns as real pants look can transfer into the men’s world. Not everyone on the L train needs to know if I have a semi. Pop into APC for the wovens and grab one of Marc by Marc Jacobs’ Mohair sweaters (in a great selection of poppy shades.) Or, if you’ve got the paper, go whole hog and chase that Marni. Check out the full collection here.

Jil Sander - Fall 2009

Raf = Genius. Did I really need to tell you? I loved Fall ‘08 with the amazing warped plaid fabrics, origami pleating and that gorgeous women’s funnel-neck coat that pretty much looked like the Guggenheim. Spring ‘09’s “Circle, Square, Triangle” colorblocking was ineffective as full looks, but break dem suits down, pair it with something basic (or complimentarily patterned) and the pieces speak for themselves. Then, out of nowhere, Fall ‘09 happened. Ew.

The only piece covetable, at least for me, from this collection is this gorgeous peacoat. I love a good jacket, no matter what. The graphic on this reminds me of being in elementary school. We had to make this simple clay out of like flour and water and food coloring and use it to make a relief map showing the different regions and mountain ranges of Virginia. Not a totally fond memory, considering I was not a play in the mud or dirt kind of boy. Either way, this is beautiful. Now, on to the yucks.

What the hell is with all of these nipped waists and bussels? It’s like Raf was designing costumes for an all-male retelling of Emma set in The Fifth Element. I don’t get it, and I won’t respond to it. Check out the full collection here.

Prada - Fall 2009

When I was just starting to get into and be exposed to true fashion, Prada always turned me off. Why? Oh, the late 90s. Minimal, Skinny, Black. I was Maximal, Fat and White. Black bored me for years and years and years. I simply refused to wear it. Now I’ve started to embrace that non-color, thanks to new fabrics and treatments that can make black not so… basic. Prada started to fascinate me when they put out those adorable bakelite brooches and watches, of which I purchased one of each. Since then, I’ve kept an eye on Prada. Graduated from simply buying accessories so I could finally grab those high end designer brass rings, I’ve developed a slight addiction to their graphic wovens. But that’s not what caught my eye this year.

The shoes are double-yuck. If you’re going to do the chunky weird wingtip, go for the gold and get yourself a pair of Dr. Martens. The studded trouser? YES. Where were these when I was planning for last (this, currently happening everywhere in the US except for Fashion Island) fall?

The wash on these black jeans is quite nice.

The closest thing to full on leather pants i’d ever wear. This year, at least.

All in all, I enjoyed a lot of this, but Miuccia, where the color at yo? Check out the full collection here.

Burberry Prorsum - Fall 2009

Cutie pie Christopher Bailey has really been letting me down. Spring ‘08’s collection of techno fabrics in pop colors was just what the doctor ordered. I mean, the electric turquoise neoprene trench? Poetry in motion. Fall ‘08 and Spring ‘08 didn’t really do it for me. Muted colors, rumpled fabrics and tye dye effects? Yuck. Yuck. Yuck. For Fall ‘09, Christopher embraced Burberry’s signature, the novacheck. Does this mean I can bust out my cashmere scarf that’s been in storage the past two years? Doubt it. Who knows what kind of man I’ll be by then!

If you want me to like something, pretty much all you need to do is take something that already is perfect (Like a cable knit sweater.) and blow it up to enormous proportions (or alternately, shrink it down to a microscopic level.)

Felted contrast lining? Yes please.

Other than these pieces, the rest of the looks were pretty simple to create on your own. So basic it borders on boring. Not to mention the London division of Burberry already offers jumbo-check button downs at a much more reasonable price. How’s that for saving money?! Check out the full collection here.

Moschino - Fall 2009

Anyone who knows me knows how I feel about Moschino. Menswear is rarely as charming, funny and frivolous as the shit these zany Italians put out. Fall ‘08’s delicious Casino collection was deliriously full of details, like tiny martini glasses woven throughout a classic oxford, and Spring ‘09’s “Punk-nic” collection has had be hot & bothered for months. Fall ‘09’s collection, like most of what we’ve seen so far from Milan, is a little more somber. Playing with the concept of surrealism (think Magritte, not Dali), trompe l’oeil screens turning a blazer magically into a motorcycle jacket, a puffer into a trench and a plain white tee into, well, the most perfect looking tuxedo t-shirt this bitch has ever seen.

My picks:

The screened on stripes! boutonniere! pocket square! Papa’s gonna need him one of these.

The sweater is obviously adorable, but what’s really interesting me is the trouser. I’m not one to rock the boat with pants-fit (I like ‘em slim and straight.) but the carrot leg and drop crotch with exposed button fly are really quite handsome, and not nearly as crazy tight (yuck!) as the ones shown at Marni. (More to follow on that later, kids.)

Yum. I love a good piped blazer. The unexpected color and width of the trim makes this much more wearable for like, a tuesday, not just party time.

Totally, completely beautiful and ridiculous at the same time. A FUCKING MOTORCYCLE JACKET ON A DOUBLE BREASTED NAVY BLAZER!?!?! Wow. Blue Blood Boy buying a bike with daddy’s black amex. I would never wear this, which is truly saying something, but I think it’s really special and if I could get my mitts on one just to like, look at and play dress-up in when I have friends over to get drunk, I totally would.

Check out the full collection here.